Forgiveness
by Yoshizawa Ayumu
Summary: Based on my personal relationship


"Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.

When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward."

I paused in the middle of my writing,allowing flashbacks to consume my mind. I looked back down at my journal,a wistful smile showing.

"And I chose to forgive in the end. Because holding on to the pain and hatred was tiresome. Those years of bearing hatred towards that one man-.." A familiar stab in my heart could be felt but now slightly faint. "It was emotionally draining and it ruined those few years by bearing grudge. Though forgiveness can not permanently erase the deep scar that was created,but it can slowly ease the pain away - leaving us with nothing but fond memories of each other."

"Do you love me?" The two of us were snuggling against one another,enjoying the warmth we provided to the other. It was just any regular day for us - kiss,hug and laugh.

"Mhm! Of course I do!" I nodded my head,cocking my head to the side questionably. "Why do you ask?"

The dark,chocolate brown haired male hummed and gazed at me. "How much do you love me?"

"Whaa? What's with that question,T-Trashykawa!" Embarrassed by the sudden seriousness,I immediately picked up the cushion next to me and smacked him on the face.

"UWA! You're so mean, [y/n]-chan! I just want to know how much I mean to you." Oikawa grinned slyly,pulling me closer to him. My face erupted into various shades of red at his blatant tease.

"S-Shut up,Okinawa!"

"It's Oikawa,not Okinawa! And how many times do I have to tell you to call me Tooru?" Oikawa whined, but not before he started to attack me with tickles.

It was a..perfect relationship. I wished that it will always remain the same.

But..that was just a wishful thinking on my part.

"What is this?" I hissed, ignoring the pain ripping me apart deep inside. I tossed at him pictures of him naked with another woman, along with screenshots of flirty texts that were going on between the two.  
Oikawa glanced at them half-heartedly, then returning his attention to his phone.

"It is what it is." His words stabbed me painfully. I clenched my fists tightly,tears leaking out from the corner of my eyes.

"How could you..?" My voice rang out in betrayal. The man that I once loved had suddenly became so cold and distant. It was like.. I never knew him before.

His typing filled the air till it came to a stop, heavy silence filling the room we shared.

"..Why are you being so over sensitive? You should have known that this would have happened." My eyes widened in disbelief at the cold words uttered from his lips.

What had changed..? Or maybe nothing has changed. I was just blinded in the moment of his sweet nothings in my ear. So blinded that I did not expect him to hurt me in such a cruel way.

Months went by and I was still by his side, loving him like a stupid person I was. As time passed by, Oikawa got worse and worse. It seemed like he took pleasure in ripping my heart out. But who was I to blame? It was I who willingly stayed with him and not leave.

The door to our apartment clicked open. The thought to welcome him back vanished as I froze. There he was,his clothes all messy and his neck covered with lipstick marks, and.. another woman who was clinging onto him. The woman with him shot me a smug look, purposefully kissing Oikawa passionately on the lips right before him. That man did not even resist and pulled her close to him, reciprocating the kiss.

My heart broke into bits and pieces at the image. Couldn't he at least try and pretend that he wasn't cheating on me at all? So that at least I could pretend to be a naive girlfriend.

After those long painful seconds, they finally parted. Oikawa walked towards me and gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek, which I flinched at.

"I'm back, my dear. I have some work to do so don't disturb me alright?" I gritted my teeth at the supposedly sweet tone of his voice and his gestures.

Oikawa took the woman into our room and closed it shut, giggles and moans immediately filled the apartment from behind the door.

I crumpled onto the floor, no longer holding back the tears and pain inflicted upon me. Why did I foolishly think that if I continued to be by his side that he would change and stop all these? How could I be so blind to not see the self centered man I had fell in love with?

I had enough.. It's time.. We part. I detest you so much, Shittykawa. I hope one day, you find a girl who will rip your apart like how you did to mine. I will never ever forgive you.

It had been a month since I left him for good. A new life, a new apartment, a new school.  
Initially, it was really tough. I would tear up at the slightest thing that would remind me of the male. But I have managed. I am fine. I am stronger. Things that brings you down are meant to build you up into a stronger person. Yes?

I left my apartment to do some grocery shopping for the weekend. Never did I expect myself to bump into him..and his new girlfriend.

"Yoohoo! Is that you, [y/n]-chan?" I stiffened at the sight of him. How I wished I could just disappear and avoid him forever. Or maybe I could rip out his vocal chords and disfigure him so no females would approach him anymore.

I gave him an extremely fake smile, not even bothering to hide the disgust deep inside. "Oh Oikawa-san. Who told you to call me by my first name,huh? And please don't use '-chan' behind my name. ...Trashykawa."

"Oh?" Oikawa purred and gave me that hateful smirk. "Weren't you the one who gave me the permission to call you by your first name, [y/n]-chan?"

My eye twitched in hatred at the putrid male that stood before me. "Well,that permission is taken back. What do you want, Trashykawa?"

Oikawa pulled the female close to him. "I just want to introduce someone very important to me."

Bitterness swell deep inside me. Not once has he called me as someone very important to him. Those days when I dated him, he wouldn't bother saying such stuff. Was that jealousy boiling in my heart? Definitely not. I hate him so much. Why should I be jealous..

"This is my new girlfriend. She is an absolute dear. So caring, kind, loving, gentle and cute! Love, this is my ex. As you can see, she is probably jealous of us because she hasn't gotten over me. Tsk tsk. Poor poor [y/n]-chan." I balled my fists, irritation spelled on my face. It took all my self control to not punch his face.

I took a glance at his new girlfriend. She reminded me of myself when I was still in the honeymoon stage with Oikawa. I pitied her greatly. But it is none of my business anyways.

"Hm? Oh good for you, Shittykawa. Long last. And honestly,I can't be bothered by how many new girlfriends you have. I'm living happily without you." I bowed politely. "If you may excuse me, I am rather busy."

It did not matter to me. I just want to live my life to the fullest. This is my life. And I will not let any man come and ruin it for me.

The screen of my phone cracked, laying on the floor while I gripped onto my hair in annoyance.

For the paat few weeks, Oikawa had beem harassing my phone non-stop. He messaged me things like, 'Heh you must be jealous right?' , 'My girlfriend is sooo perfect.' , 'She's everything you aren't.' , and many others.

It was getting tiring. I did not even want to reply to his atrocious words anymore.

*Beep!*

I picked up my phone and opened the new message received. My mouth parted and I felt my heart being squeezed painfully. Shown on my screen was a picture of Oikawa making out with various girls ,asides his new girlfriend.

"Bastard.. You son of a bitch.." I muttered under my breath heavily. Immediately, my fingers glided across the keyboard, typing a reply to him.

'To: Trashykawa.  
Oh. Good for you. But please refrain from sending things such as these as there is no reason for you to do so. You have your life and I have mine. You have your.. _girlfriends_. And I have my **boyfriend**.'

That is right. I found myself another guy. A guy who treats me right and no where like how that guy did.

*Beep!*

'From: Trashykawa.  
Who are you dating!?'

'To: Trashykawa.  
Does it matter? LOL. There's a reason why we had broken up. I would like to have our friendship to remain intact. So please do not complicate things further.'

*Beep!*

'From: Trashykawa.  
I will ruin that relationship.'

.

And he did.

Oikawa managed to find out who I was dating and started feeding him with lies. Saying that I had slept with many men, cheated on Oikawa many times and then blamed him for the break up.  
Initially, my boyfriend did not listen to him. But slowly, he allowed Oikawa's words to poison his mind. And we finally broke up.

Anger and resentment built up for Oikawa. Every fibre of me trembled in fury. I called him up, not bothering whether it waa 2 a.m. in the morning or not.

"Yoohoo! My dear [y/n]-chan~!"

"Don't give me that bullcrap, you fucking bastard." I seethed at him venemously. "Why?"

"Why what? Whatever do you mean, [y/n]-chan?"

"Why?" My voice cracked and the other side of the line became silent. "Why did you have to do this to me? Didn't I let you go so you can freely flirt around? Why must you come and ruin it when I finally moved on..?"

"...-ause I love you.."

"..what?"

"What? Maybe you should reflect on yourself, little pitiful bitch. Maybe it wasn't because of me but because he couldn't stand you anymore. Your attitude stinks, good thing he left."

"You're heartless. I hope you rot to death. And I really pity your girlfriend who you wrapped round your finger tightly. Feeding her lies when I exposed the truth to her. Really.. You are unbelievable." With that, I ended the call and silenced my phone.

Since then, it has been going on again and again. I find a boyfriend and he ruins it. He finds a new girlfriend and he brags about it. And on a daily basis, we would exchanged rude hurting insults with each other. Sometimes he would act really nice then confuse me with his insults.

Soon after, exhausted mentally and emotionally, I migrated over to the U.S. I changed my number. I blocked Oikawa and his connections on every social media site I had.

And then, I lost every form of communication with him.

But.. What have I benefitted or gained from hating him? It only make me a worser person deep inside. It chains me from being able to fully trust people. Will getting revenge on him heal the broken pieces? Will hating for life and not move on affect him in any way?

I looked down at my journal thoughtfully before scribbling the next set of words down.

"He may have been a jerk. And he may have hurt me multiple times, causimg me to suffer major depression, have trust issues and self harm. But I won't deny like how I used to. Yes, in my heart he still hold a very special place. My feelings have never changed. Maybe one day, if I get the chance to see him again.. I want to tell him that I love him and I forgive him. And that I'm very thankful for the good memories be has provided me with." I smiled at the thought of having a chance to see him once more. "The past is the past. Someday, we'll forget the hurt, the reason we cried and who caused us the pain. We will finally realise that the secret of being free is not revenge, but letting things unfold in their own way and own time. So smile, laugh, forgive, believe and love all over again."

* * *

 _This is basically a shorter version of my personal relationship in the past. Though no, I did not share an apartment with him nor did I migrate to another country. The reason why I had decided to write about it is because it was a very meaning relationship to me. As I wrote this, the memories that I had once buried it just rushed out amd hit me in many areas. It was extremely painful to dig put the scars that I had painstakingly hid but I wanted to share it so if anyone who has similar experiences or who are going through difficulties like this will know that they are not alone and how they should tackle it. Forgiving is hard and I know because honestly, I am one stubborn girl. You may think I was stupid as to why I had continued to cling onto him as shown in the story. I was only 15 and he was 20. I was immature,naive,stupid,dumb,everything. Like they say, love is blind. But as 2 years went by and I continued to hate on him, I realized that there was no point. Comparing the two of us, I was the one who was losing out, not him. I realized that instead of looking at the negative aspects, I should look at the positive aspects and move on. I should use the hurt to grow and mature and become a stronger and better person, rather than being stuck at the same spot. And really, I honestly wish that one day if I can meet him one day, I would tell him that I love him and I forgive him. Call me stupid but I want to finally give myself a break and move on for good._

 _To those who deals with the same thing and self harm, please stop. You are beautiful. You are amazing. He made the greatest mistake in his life by throwing you, a rare diamond, away for stones and dirt. It's not because you are worthless or not good enough. It just meant that he wasn't the right one for you and that you are one step closer in finding your true partner that will cherish you. If you need to talk, just message me and I'll be there._

 _©YoshizawaWorks_


End file.
